Cracking open

Today I want to curl up in your strong safe arms and feel all of the comforts they give me.
That far far inside place where I can feel you today has never really felt much of anything but fear.
It is a place that even I couldn't reach.
Didn't know it was there.
Hidden rooms crammed full of emotions I have hidden from myself my whole life.
I needed a place like that when I was young to hold the secrets and the shame and confusion the pain.
It kept me sane.
I think of it as an egg for keeping my painful thoughts.
But, it has become so crammed full, the scars and pain so deep and poisoned.
Now it feels like it will slowly drive me crazy.
It is a place I always thought may exist but, I couldn't find where.
A place so in need of cracking open, of releasing and setting free.
A place I have spent YEARS of therapy trying to find. (And also, trying to avoid)
I couldn't find it until Tuesday.
I think it cracked slightly.
The thought of working on it today is very scary for me.
Terrifying.
I hadn't told you that.
I understand now what you meant when you said going to see your therapist would take a lot out of you.
Just the thought of it today makes me want to curl up, close my mind off and take a long deep nap.
But, I can't do that. I need to try to be as brave as you have been, crack wide open and take care of whatever I find inside.
I'm afraid though.
The comfort I am finding today is that for the first time
ever,
I can feel you there.
A place I wasn't sure existed is already feeling and holding you close.
You have reached my core.
And I feel a little safety knowing that you will help me with whatever I find deep inside myself.
I love you.
And I thank you.
X0x0x

the other one

i was the other woman for 2 and a half years and i didn't even know it.
thats not exactly true.
our roles reversed really, after a while she became the other woman.
they weren't "together".
but, they still lived together.
still, how could i not know such a thing?
we'd planned our future, we'd been near constant companions.
lovers.
best friends.
really really good friends.
he is dear to me.
he has been a truly wonderful and supportive friend to me.
he had a secret though. the ex, the "new other", they still shared a house.
for the kids.
how did i not know?
how did she not know?
or maybe she did.
i am learning how to understand, have compassion, how to forgive, how to work through the basket full of emotions that change from one minute to the next.
and how to build up a new trust with somebody who loves me dearly and hurt me deeply.